Panic
by Rayrawl
Summary: The first time Stiles is left alone with Julia, she has a panic attack.


**Well, this took forever. Holy cow. Anyways, this is the first in the one-shots following 'Flinching' in a series called 'First Times'. Enjoy!**

* * *

The first time Stiles is left alone with Julia, she has a panic attack. Almost all of the pack have gone back to school or work respectively, and Derek couldn't stick around indefinitely when he still had safety issues to work out before they could bring the baby home. So, at half past eight in the morning, Stiles finds herself left alone in the NICU as Julia wiggles and whines in her incubator.

Soon, the doctor tells her, they will be able to take her out of this sterile and cold environment and have her home where she belongs.

They tell her that Julia is a miracle, and that they have never seen a premature, tiny baby recover and grow as quickly as her little fighter has.

They tell her that she should be proud of bringing such a beautiful, brave little thing into the world. That she should be proud of having a child that she almost killed herself and a member of her pack to get rid of.

The doctor leaves and Stiles finds herself on her knees in the corner of the room, surrounded by equipment that Julia no longer needs, a band of steel tightening around and around her chest. So tight that she can't breathe, so tight that the only sounds she can make are desperate, choked whines.

None of them know just how strong or brilliant Julia's spark of magic is, but they do know that she is finely tuned to the way Stiles is feeling. Deaton theorised that it was because Stiles' own body and magic spent months and months protecting and growing her, that they have a bond that not even the strongest practitioner could break. At the time, Stiles had felt a surge of love that had previously been unparalleled. Now, however, that connection means that the minute her panic over takes her, Julia starts screaming like she has the lung capacity of a child double her size.

Nurses' swarm in at the sound, fussing and working diligently over the little girl until they realise there is nothing wrong with their usual charge. Stiles has managed to pull herself together a little while the nurses were distracted with Julia, but clearly must not look at all healthy if the look all of those scrub-clad shapes are giving her. The one with the short red hair ushers the others out of the room, stroking her hand over Julia's tiny stomach, before coming over to kneel in front of Stiles where she is still squished into the corner.

"Hey, Stiles." The nurse smiles at her, and it takes a moment for her to realise that this is the nurse that was there yesterday to help Stiles feed her little girl. Moving from breast to bottle had been a necessity with Stiles' nutrition compromised from months of not eating properly, and the change had confused her little girl.

"Hey, Jenny." Stiles mumbles back, eyes averted and voice still raspy from her choked breaths.

"First time alone with the kid, huh?" Jenny asks kindly, shifting to sit beside Stiles instead of being in front of her. Stiles glances up from the corner of her eye, see's Jenny is smiling lightly in Julia's direction and doesn't look the slightest bit condescending like the first doctor they had spoken to had been.

"Yeah." Stiles chuckles humorously. "Not doing such a bang up job, really."

Jenny sighs, nudging her shoulder lightly with her own.

"You're doing just fine Stiles. I might not know every in and out of how you got to this moment in time, but it's clear just from these past few weeks that you haven't had an easy time before, during or after your pregnancy. I've seen people who had every good possible thing happen to them and still they couldn't cope half as well as you have. You're doing great." Stiles snorts, leaning her head back against the white wall behind her.

"I just- what if I screw this up? Screw her up?" She gestures over to Julia, finally settled into a peaceful doze now that her mommy has calmed down a little.

"That's the thing about being a mom, you never know. Every woman, or man, comes into this ward and wonders whether they're going to do this right. They're all scared, Stiles. Even the ones you just know are gonna be great. You've got a ton of great people around you, so if you're struggling you don't ever have to worry. Your kid isn't going to be any more screwed up than the others. Maybe less so, because you probably know all the warning signs and behaviours, you know how it happened to you. You can help her learn from whatever mistakes or accidents or horrors that happened in your life so they never happen in hers."

Stiles let the sounds of the room wash over her; Julia's gentle breathing and Jenny's fidgeting, the heart monitor keeping close eye on her baby girl, the clean air whooshing through the vents, and let what she had been told sink it. She doesn't know how long she sat there before she finally turned a shy smile up at Julia, reaching over to give her a quick, one armed hug.

"Thank you." Stiles whispered into her ear, letting herself sink into the unfamiliar feeling of the woman who hugged her back whole-heartedly.

"You're welcome." They untangled themselves, standing together so that Jenny could get back to work and Stiles back to Julia.

"You need me to call Derek for you?" Jenny called, half way out of the door already and sporting a knowing smirk. Stiles glanced down at her little fighter, trailing a finger along the soft skin of her arm and down to her hand, where tiny fingers tried to grip at her.

"No," Stiles shook her head, smiling softly. "I think we'll be okay."

* * *

Derek got back to the hospital a little after noon, much later than he expected to, and rushed through the halls to get back to Stiles and Julia.

It was difficult to be away from either of them these days, fear and devotion twisting and contracting into a ball that weighed heavy on his chest and sunk into the pit of his stomach. Some days, he would see Stiles staring at the tiny child with devotion and love in her eyes, fingers reaching out to touch her soft, warm skin or arms holding her up as she fed. Others, Stiles would look at Julia and grow distant, watery with tears. She would tremble, choke on sobs that she wouldn't let go. She wouldn't be able to touch Julia, wouldn't be able to hold or comfort her little girl as she whined and cried at her mother's distress.

He wondered what would happen when they took her home, away from the constant reassurance of medical staff and 24/7 support. He wondered if Stiles would blossom under her own steam, and grow fast and quick into motherhood like she had everything else. Or would she flounder? Struggle and worry without the support and care and promise of a hospital. Would she regret her decisions, or the decisions of those around her?

Derek tried to force those thoughts away as he drew close, choosing instead to cling to hope. No matter what would happen, they would be there to support her. No matter what, they would have her back like they always did. There was nothing his pack wouldn't do for each other, and absolutely no lengths they wouldn't go to in order to keep Stiles and Julia safe, well and as happy as possible.

They would be strong, and they would be fine, because the alterative was unthinkable.

Jenny, the nice nurse with a sly grin and sure hands, stopped him just along the corridor to Stiles and Jenny, pulling him aside with a small smile on her face.

"Just thought I'd stop you and let you know, Stiles had a panic attack earlier this morning. She pulled out of it alright, and I managed to get her to open up about some things that I think she might have been bottling up. She seems to be doing okay now, and there have been no other episodes, so I think you'll be alright for at least the rest of the day." Derek breathed deep, in through his nose and out through his mouth. This had been one of their worries as they prepared for Stiles' first time alone with Julia.

"Did you call anyone to sit with her?" Derek asked, voice tight and controlled in a way he had grown to hate long ago. Jenny shook her head, smile widening.

"Stiles asked me not to. I've been checking in on her whenever I could and she's been amazing with Julia all day. There's no need to worry about anything today, it's just something I thought you should know, and to let you know that maybe you should keep an eye out. It doesn't seem like the typical behaviour, but the doctor explained Post-natal Depression, right?" Derek nodded, once, sharp.

"Right, well. As I said, personally I don't think that's going to be the case here, but it's worth keeping a look out for and to get her help if or when it might be needed, okay?" He let himself relax slightly, tension draining out of his shoulders. Jenny had a way of not sugar coating much, which he appreciated, but also a talent for setting you at ease if there definitely wasn't anything to worry about.

"Alright, thanks Jenny." He patted her on the arm softly and flashed her a smile before moving off the wall to head towards the room containing the two people more important to him than anything.

Through the big glass windows into Julia's room, he could see the little girl laid warm and safe in her glass crib. Her eyes were drifting open and shut, fighting sleep so like her mother would, as Stiles stroked gentle fingers over her forehead. Stiles' mouth was moving so softly that at first he hardly realised it, and in a fit of wonder he moved to crack the door open an inch to listen in properly. Through the gap he could hear the soft melody and Julia's breathing, the whirring of machines, and over it all, the gently sounds of a foreign lullaby being hummed softly by Stiles.

It's gorgeous, he thinks, the way she leans over protectively. Like she can be a shield against anything bad that might come after Julia just by turning her back to it all. Her voice washed over the room, calming and soft, and Derek waited until Julia was asleep and Stiles had stopped her song before slipping into the room with little noise.

"Hey there." He whispered, hoping not to wake the little girl now resting peacefully. Stiles startled, just for a second, before turning around with a smile on her face. It was small, but gentle and true, and he cherished it. He walked over slowly, dropping a kiss to Stiles' head, before slumping down in the free armchair beside her. She didn't reply, but leaned over until she was resting her head on his shoulder a little. Temple pressed into the firm round of his muscles. He lifted a hand, drawing fingers through her fine hair.

"Jenny told me you had a bad morning." Derek whispered into the calm. Stiles tensed against him, almost pulling away before sighing and turning her head into his neck so that her warmth breath tickled the sensitive skin behind his ear.

"Yeah, I freaked for a while. Pulled it together though, and Jenny gave me some things to think about that helped a lot."

"Alright, that's good." Stiles turned confused eyes up at him.

"That's all? Just a 'that's good'. I thought you were going to get all over-protective and worried, start telling me that maybe I'm not ready to be taking her home or something." Derek turned a little in his chair, moving so that they were face to face and he could look directly into those honey-gold eyes he loved so much.

"I would never tell you that." He murmured, brushing strands of hair behind her ear. "You're stronger than anyone I know, and even if you weren't, you have so many people around you that we can pick up any slack while you get it together again. You don't have to worry about those things, just focus on keeping yourself strong and doing what you can. We've got your back, here and at home."

Stiles stared up at him, wide eyed and soft in a way he hadn't seen in a very long time, before nodding and curling back in against his shoulder.

"We're talking her home in two days." Stiles whispered, fingers clenching in his Henley.

"Yeah." Stiles let out a deep breath, sinking her weight against him and settling in until Julia woke for her next feed.

They were going to be fine.


End file.
